Friday, November 07, 2008

Ambiguity - 1

To add to the list of so many ambiguities in my life, I recently found one more. I’m emotional by nature, I know and that I cannot change how hard I try. I have extra tear glands, I know. I don’t wanna think of me being emotional, coz this will make me more emotional, and the vicious circle will go on. I better stay away from this and go on with life. But if life had been so simple, why would there be vacancies for people like Psychologist, and why would people a weird subject as Humanities in their Engineering degrees. So the thing is that life is a bit complex to understand, but simple to live J. And as for me the ambiguities keep on coming to me as somebody smashed a mathematical problem, and I had been told to solve it , and also the difficulty of the problem is directly proportional to the time I spend in solving it, that is the difficulty level goes on increasing with time. And all these problems are smashed on my soul by nobody else but by myself. I make them and spend time finding solutions to them. And as soon as a problem is over, randomly do I rest before starting a new search. This is endless. And the latest one is related to the attachments we have with certain things in life. When I’m attached to somebody or something, which I do very fastly, it is very hard for me to absorb the departure of that entity from my life. And when I know the end is near, I prefer to better be away, but then I always think that why be away even before the departure. And this puts more stress on my limbic system. And if I try to be as usual, I constantly remind myself that one day it will be all gone and it will hurt, so better don’t involve that much. And after that point I cannot be normal for sometime. I never had a solution to this ambiguity in my life. I have just spent endless time solving it and increasing its complexity, and finally diverting my attention to some other existing problem.
I guess this problem is not meant to be solved.. It is meant to be there unsolved to always tell us the existence of life, and put some sparkles in it, to tell us the value of someone else. So better take it as a healing process than a destruction process. I mean go on solving it, but don’t get involved. More it gets complex, more you will get to know the profound qualities of this beautiful life. It is like the story of Sisyphus. After all, a man condemned to pushing a rock up a hill with full knowledge that it will roll back down, requiring him to start pushing anew, is not the sort of story that you'd expect to have a happy ending. Even the rock of our self-exploration happens to roll back down; we will have learned quiet a many things. But the beauty is that it never rolls down. There are a whole lot of people in life who will never let it roll back down…..

0 Jee khol kar likh dijie ..: