Sunday, February 08, 2009


When there are so many things un-said, they all pile up and then silence overrides. Never let that pile gather up or grow.  Whenever and whatever you feel like you must say it just right then and communicate it exactly, no compromises, no adjustments. 

So its again about our boy Sameer. He is a really strong guy both with his will-power and emotionally. Lets go back little in time. He is 7 years younger than now, an introvert at heart (though he still is, but the change is that now it is no more obvious from his behaviour), a little careless ( or a lot maybe), sensitive ( which he still is ), a little less confident ( which he now is not ), and a good human being (which he always will be). His life was all roses, he had everything he wanted from life, or he wanted and loved everything he had in life till this happened to him. It was a normal Tuesday afternoon. Sun was as usual at its peak and it was summers. It was time for a Lunch Break and as soon as the bell rang students just behaved like the king of school all in their own obvious sense. You could really feel the change in energy of the place at that time if you had been standing in any of the lobbies, all filled with students chatting like this is their last, there was nothing which was un-said, even somethings which shud not have been said used to flow in the conversations. Sameer was also same kinda guy, he just spoke his heart, or I shud say there were not much things to hide. But this afternoon everything was as normal as it could be, he had a nice lunch cooked by his mother in his lunch box which he used to enjoy every day, he already had an argument with his teachers about increasing his marks in some unit test, his lunch was as usual being forcefully shared among the classmates and everything that he could ever expect from his life was there. Then he saw this sunshine girl, the girl whom he always admired, the girl whom he always aspired for, whom he always dreamt of. But he was unaware that this moment wud b the last in normal and content life of his, he would no more be the same. Now he wud b having many things to hide, many things to say but which he would never, he will change. And this change will be for good. He almost gave himself at her first hello. He would pretend as being unalergetic to the contagious behaviour of the girl. She seemed like sunshine in his life ( which now seemed to him as a dark one). Yeah it is always good to realise this as early as possible. He would have all these feelings in his heart, but would never tell it to her. But she had no feelings like that for him  or maybe he was too selfish to even think of that part. He could not ever give a name to this feeling for about next two year but with time it only grew stronger. Now two years had past and some incident did occur which converted these feelings into one of respect. Now he respected her with all his heart and honesty. He was almost like her follower, admirer and what not. She used to be in his thoughts all the time, and got to learn many things from her and it was all going well. And then after some years sameer thought that he was grown enough to name that relation as love and tried communicating this to her and her reaction was wierd and non-human. But whatever she did can never be wrong. Thinking of this Sammer went on with life and somehow was still in contact with the girl, coz I guess there was no reason for not being in.  Also he always liked talking to her. And she responded too, which confirmed that the light coming from other side of the tunnel was not a train, there was hope. Time passed and the two of them started to come closer to each other or this was what sameer was interpreting from it. He always thought it to be a two way street which was actually a one way, coz may be he never tried to construct a two way street.He never had right words at the right time because of his hideous nature. Or maybe due to first experience with expressing his feelings he was cautious and wanted it to go on as far as possible. He was rowing a boat in the river which is bound to dry of all its water soon. But somehow he enjoyed all this feeling of uncertainity in life, this walking on a thin line kind of feeling. But this was where he went wrong. You should never leave anything un-said, what ever it is, and whenever it is, and never compromise which. But life went on. Because of this liking ( or a secret liking ) which he was developing for her ,some obvious secret expectations started to grow in him. And this is the first drawback of not speaking things, it blinds your vision, it makes a shield around your heart and prevents more emotions to come out. And life went on for the girl as usual, but for boy it was no more a simple ball game it has grown quiet complex, he was now introvert enough to speak his heart out and this cowardness was decreasing hs confidence, He would spend days and nights dreaming of the girl, he could have done anything to talk to her, to see her happy, to see her smiling as ever. But he would never speak his heart, he would hide it with a silly joke of his, he would fake it all thru the day, but never express it. This acclerated the process of piling up of non-expressed feelings, of many expectations, and all the related things. Now one day the girl did not come up to his expectations , he behaved normally deleting that one from his expectation list, but the process continued and he was ending up deleting almost all of them and he was waiting for a day till the list would be exhausted ( he was strong enuff to wait for that day) and he will find something else to think of. But then she would never let that list exhaust( or maybe his thought of her) and the list was ever growing, he added more to it than he deleted everyday.  And as a result of all these lists there was not much to say now. So the silence or some awkward talks took place. But he somehow had to put an end to all this suffering either by a confession or by consoling himself. The former option did not seem feasible to him as of his situation now.

But anyway this was the story of a normal guy Sameer. We have many things to learn from him. We should never leave many loop holes in our life, and not leave so many things unspoken which forces us to think "if-only" the situations might have been in your favour. Just get it off your chest right now, there are more beautiful things than thoughts to think of..

1 Jee khol kar likh dijie ..:

ReturnofTheAsh said...

why did sameer do this? this story leaves me sad :(
what a fool sameer was!